Sunday, May 8, 2011

Green Eggs and Ham

I was recently kicked out of a support group because sometimes I take tramadol for pain from the Lyme Disease. Very occasionally (like every several months) I need something stronger for a few days. The addictionologist I see recommends the tramadol as does my PCP.  I've had the same prescription since January. I take it as rarely as possible, way less than prescribed. Nevertheless, the support group and AAers don't see me as in recovery. It's a lonely place to be. It's difficult to process and I don't feel at all heard by Sadie on this topic. So I wrote this tonight. I'm feeling so bad about being kicked out. It's only til the Lyme is treated but it still hurts me a lot. The Dr Suess print is from this Etsy shop.

Green Druggies and Ham
by TC

You cannot eat at our table
You cannot eat beneath our table
You cannot come and speak out loud
You cannot sit here in this crowd
We do not like green eggs and ham
We do not like crackwhores, no, no ma'am.

Not in this life
Not with your pain
We could catch it
The pain that you feign.
You take drugs, you do sometimes.
You fucking suck
To us you're slime.
We do not like crackwhores and ham
We do not like them, no, no ma'am.

Go get a sponsor
Go to AA
Anything else is just not ok
You're a drug addict
Your pain is bullshit
We do not believe you
Not one little bit.
We do not like green drug addicts and ham
We do not like them, no, no ma'am.

Unless you take the poison we select         (suboxone or methadone)
You cannot come - you're our failed project
We don't care that your doctor disagrees
You'll do what we tell you and you'll say yes, yes please
Or you won't sit here and get support from us
We'd rather throw you under the bus.
We do not like green eggs and ham
Or snotty little drug addicts, no way, no ma'am.

Ok, I feel sad after writing this post. It's apparent that I have a pretty brutal self critical part which I never used to have. But at least I'm not numbing out. I'm getting it out there, learning to express my feelings.  I have a lot of people who support me and it's just hard to be kicked out of a support group for a disease that I didn't ask to get and which is a bitch to have. The pain is bad tonight. I'm not sure why. It's deep in my bones and then it goes away and comes back. I think I'll go do a pain meditation that Sadie made for me now and try not to take any pain relievers. A good place for guided imagery is Belleruth Naparstak. Guided imagery is so helpful to me and I'm lucky to have a therapist who makes such good recordings and does hypnosis for pain. You should try it if you're open to that sort of thing.

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