Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Pain and Recovery

I've been having such a bad lyme flare for the past week I haven't felt like posting. I saw a new lyme doctor today and he said that I was just filled with neurotoxins, from the antibiotics which are killing the bacteria. He said treating Lyme is not a marathon but a slow race. I didn't have to live like this. I guess I felt like I had to soldier through. I felt so weak that he was taking me off this regimen, like I couldn't handle it. The pain and probably all of the neurotoxins have been making me feel crazy, though. I started putting stitches in my hand to mangage the pain - that's how bad it was. I'd put three stitches in and shake from it, but then I'd feel sleepy.

When you are a drug addict - even if you're in recovery and don't crave any drugs at all, it takes a big person to treat you like a human being. Dr. Sadie's husband is an addiction doctor and has been recommending the Butran Patch for me. My own addiction doc agreed since I always take things as prescribed and really am having a lot of pain. I called my PCP and a new pain doc. They wouldn't call me back. I think my PCP thinks I'm trying to get more Percocet out of him, when really I just want someone to help me with my pain. My husband called a lyme doc he knows. He said he'd see me and treat my pain, that it's typical and disgraceful the way people like me are treated.

Then, we got a notice that my own Lyme doctor was closing his practice due to intractable disc back pain. What a loss for the Lyme world. What a coincidence, though. Lyme docs are hard to find!

So, I saw the new Lyme doctor today. I went in asking for the pain med that's good for druggies (the patch.) I left with 60 percocets and 60 valiums. It almost sounded like I was drug seeking for the anti-druggy medicine. He was confused. He didn't want to get me hooked, he said. I'm so so so so so tired of fighting my corner. I don't want to take percocet as I think it depresses me, and it's a bad idea with my history, but I need to be out of pain and if nobody will write for this other drug, I'm done begging.

At least I felt heard about the pain and my symptoms. He also said I looked anxious. My husband agreed although I didn't feel anxious, just shitty. I hate valium. He said I also looked exhausted and it helps people with lyme relax their muscles while they sleep. I hate valium - did I say that? Maybe I'll take half a pill at sleep.

It's ironic that I went in asking for a good drug for drug addicts and came out with what I did. I don't like percocet. It makes me sad. I can't afford to ever like percocet. Wait til Dr. Sadie hears about this. She's going to shit a brick. Maybe when my pain is better controlled I can ask her to help me come up with a better plan. She's a pain in the ass in terms of all this pain and druggy stuff but she really does care. Maybe she cares more than my sorry ass deserves. I'm a lot of aggravation for one small person in this world.