Multitasking isn't So Good

I just read an article that indicates that multi-tasking leads to poor self regulation. I am a big multitasker. When I'm feeling good mentally, I am passionate about many things and enjoy doing them all. I'll surf the net, start an art project, start a meditation (and get bored in 2 minutes) and knit. Plan dinner, take some photos, read a book.  It makes me feel scattered while I still like it. Things can become half-assed. I'm glad to read the science behind this. It makes mindfulness even more important.

Today I'm doing one thing at a time. I made a tablecloth from a curtain. I took some deep breaths. I'm going to do my morning pages, followed by a walking meditation where I am officially starting these weekly practices. Today I'm going to walk and work on inhabiting myself - inhabiting myself...how's that for a Therapy Boner?

I need a calmer mind even though I enjoy a chaotic mind of creative ideas. It's as though when I'm not depressed I have to fit in everything at once. I get so excited about life and worry that it will poof disappear overnight into somberness. What we want isn't always best for us though, is it? Have a lovely day, everyone. Print from The Wallaroo.

Nancy Napier

Sadie (my shrink) told me about this woman named Nancy Napier. Sadie also gave me one of Nancy's tapes and I really liked it. It was positive but also gentle, about looking at your future self. At the moment I'm really living one day at a time. I have trouble seeing a future self. I'm having bad joint pains and am fatigued from Lyme Disease and babesiosis. I'm also happy that I'm finally arriving at a place of awareness that my past wasn't as benign as I used to think. It's not an excuse for becoming a drug addict but at least it helps me understand it on some level and try to learn different coping mechanisms. I just ordered this book by Nancy which I got for $1.18 on Amazon.

The other night S (my husband) woke me up by putting ice in my hand - except I remember none of this. I was shocked and upset when he told me about it. I felt embarrassed. I'm learning that this sort of thing should make me feel compassion for myself but I'm not there yet. Instead my brain goes to "You are suck a FUCK UP!" Anyway, after a night of intense bad dreams, I woke myself up after yelling HELP several times - that deep slumber yell that generates almost no sound - but I finally was able to yell it out loud and wake up. I don't know if this not remembering is just normal sleep or a dissociative episode. It's so stressful and confusing but I'm trying to look at it as part of the process. A process which completely sucks, let it be said, but I'm part of it and radical acceptance of that is the best way forward, in my opinion. So, for today, I'm going to do an art piece on being compassionate about bad dreams. Sadie is overseas for a few weeks, and I'm so glad to get a break from therapy and try to just rely on myself. It feels so much more natural and comfortable to do this, but at least I realize that I can work on this other crap as well. So often this "reaching out for help" is just going through the motions of "What a less fucked up person might do" so right now I don't have to reach out for help at all. S took the kids to the mall and I can drink coffee, do some art and try to just be.